The "new" me

I won't lie, I do not like this world that my mom no longer shares with me. It is empty, it is lonely, and it is sad. Fortunately, I have many first hand memories of my mom fighting through tough days, weeks, and months with integrity, positivity, and courage to guide me. I also have her hand written journals, cards, letters, emails, and notes to remind me to find joys in the journey along the way, as she did. My mom fought tooth and nail so many times to stay on this earth. What would she think of me if I merely went through the motions of living without ACTUALLY embracing the seconds that I am blessed with life?

A dear friend's father wisely counted out the seconds in a day: 86,400. It was his motto and legacy to his family and close friends. Today, I honor Craig Johnson's words and my beloved mother's time on this earth by vowing to do as they did. I pledge to my son that I will not only live IN each of those 86,400 seconds but I will live FOR them.

On February 1, 2011, I arrived at school promptly at 6:45am as the doors were unlocked. I was tired from little sleep due to all-night working while prepping for a huge work meeting and sad that I wasn't able to kiss my baby at the start of my day. And then my whole world changed...... The next time my mind was able to unblurry its' self and focus I no longer had a mother on this earth. I had a realization that my purpose on this earth was to be a mother and wife FIRST, and to use the time I had AT SCHOOL to be the best teacher I could be without continuing to let my job consume so much of my family time.

I know that my life will be filled with plans that don't work out, unfinished business, etc. I also know that I will do whatever I can to keep my life as stress-free as humanly possible. That means giving Brecken an extra hug in the mornings, reading one more book at bed time, taking a deep breath when we are in the throes of a public temper tantrum, and writing that letter or making that call that I have been putting off for months. In the open time I have now that mom and I aren't talking on the phone for 80+ hours a week ("time" that I of course wish could still be occupied by those meaningless yet meaningful conversations), I will slot in volunteer work with Make-A-Wish in hopes of making a difference in someone else's life. I will take this new perspective of life that I have been given and use it to make myself a better person.

My life seems different in every possible way as of the last few months; Even in ways that I know are technically still the same. Everything just feels different. Life now means making the most out of each moment and not dwelling over the past or letting future worries consume my mind in the present. It means living life to the fullest and loving fully; Exactly as my mom did each of her 52 years, 6 months, and 5 days that she graced this earth.