Happy Transplant Day Mom!!!

It has been awhile since blogging, and to be perfectly honest, it feels wrong to be posting now.  As I would write blog updates over the past year and a half, I knew that every word I wrote and every picture and video I would post, would be read/ viewed/ watched by my biggest cheerleader, my mom.  She would sometimes comment directly on our blog posts for the world to see, and often email me in private to give me her thoughts.  Many of her quick emails to me following a blog post were simply, "Just saw the newest blog.  Brecken is so cute and growing up so fast!  When can we see you guys again???  Love you lots- Mom"  This will be the first post mom isn't able to read.  It has been really difficult for me to even get the camera out to take photographs of Brecken over the last several weeks.  Instead of finding joy in Brecken's daily toddler antics, I find myself sad that I can never share his stories, his sicknesses, his funny faces, his little outfits, his new words, his growing up, with my mom.  That said, Eric has taken pictures and I have tried to get back into it as well.... Mom would want me to and as you all know that were at Mom's visitation, pictures have always been a shared interest for Mom I.  The next step after physically taking the photos is to get them off of the camera.... Which again, is taking time.  In the past, I have sometimes felt like I was taking photos and downloading them to my computer simultaneously because I could never wait to see how they turned out and to email/ post them to share with the world my beautiful son and family.  Now, I find myself thinking that maybe if I could just wait long enough, mom would come back to earth to view them with me.  I know that will never be the case, but it's those "first" times without Mom that are unbearable to get through.  I guess this is just another one of the many devastating "firsts" I'll encounter in the upcoming year....... My first blog post without Mom.

Speaking of, here is what Brecken was wearing when he said "Yuh-You Gamma" (love you Grandma) one last time at the funeral.  It isn't a great picture, but Mom would have just ADORED Brecken in his little "big boy" suit!  I'm posting this picture, in no small part, due to the fact that Mom much preferred pictures of her precious grandson over my "wordy" thoughts :) 

Tonight is the eve of Mom's 4th Bone Marrow Transplant birthday.  It was 4 years ago tonight that Mom and I lay snuggled under her purple cheetah blanket in the isolation unit of University Hospital in Iowa City.... Talking, laughing, crying, looking at pictures, being nervous, being excited, talking about all that we would do once she got better.  I can happily say that she did get better, that we did do many great things, that we have made countless additional memories since her bone marrow transplant.  Since February 23, 2007, Mom was able to meet three additional grandkids, including my baby, Brecken.  She was able to see Aaron and I purchase our first homes, her first granddaughter Emma grow up to almost kindergarten age, and was able to continue friendships that she adored.  Mom was just months from her 35th wedding anniversary to her high school sweetheart, just shy of her 53rd birthday, and has a champion title that no one and no thing can ever take away from her- She is a three time cancer survivor.  It is tonight that I am remembering the blissful look on her face as she walked into the Packwood Community Center three years ago and realized that all of those people were there to surprise her for her "first birthday."  It is tonight that I am remembering our "girl's day" in Des Moines just last summer.... Scrapbooking at Archivers, followed by dinner and talking at the Cheesecake Factory.  We could have stayed all night, enjoying each other's company... And the red velvet cheesecake we shared certainly didn't make us want to leave either!  It is tonight that I am remembering laying in mom and dad's bed with Ryan and Aaron following the transplant, laughing our butts off as Mom tried on all of her wigs, hats and turbans.  She started out so embarrassed and made us turn around in between head decorations as to not see her bald head, but in no time she was "walking the cat walk" while we all laughed and cheered.  It was so fun.  It is tonight that I am remembering after-school snacks, bed time books, homemade pizza while watching the Sunday night movie as a family, prom dress shopping, hour-long phone calls, too many Hallmark cards to count, fresh baked scotch-a-roos with every visit, a smile that could light up the world, a voice that calmed me in my most heated moments, advice that was always perfect, hugs that made everything better.  I am remembering my mom, my best friend, my guiding light.  I am remembering her with a sadness that is so unbearable that it can never be articulated, but more importantly, with so much love and admiration that the memories can't help but put a smile on my face.

To all of my readers that tune in to my blog for the pictures of Brecken.... They WILL return.  I will dust the camera off and find joy in my precious son.  I will learn how to navigate this world with a new purpose.  I ran across a quote that I have been saying in my mind over and over and over the past few days..... "It is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain."  I don't know that Mom ever heard this quote, but I do know that she lived it.  She didn't take the little things for granted.  She kept her life in perspective at all times and knew where her priorities were.  She loved with every ounce of her heart.  She lived.  And she most definitely learned to dance in the rain.

With my new motto in mind, here are a few pictures taken the afternoon of Mom's funeral.  While it seemed glaringly wrong to even pose for a "family photo" without the foundation of our family present, we knew Mom would be upset with us if we didn't.

We also knew that we had no choice but to take our "funny faces" photo, as it is yet another loving tradition in our family....

This photo would have been FRAMED on Mom's wall immediately!!!!  She would have loved it!

.... while this one would have brought smirks and eye rolls, as she would have said, "Oh, you guys....."

We love you so much Mom.... You have left behind so many wonderful memories and you have created such a legacy for your kids and grandkids.  It is hard to be here without you, but you will live on in each of us.