Week 30!

Here's the good news:  Junior and I are at week 30!

Here's the bad news:  As long as I have already been on bed rest (which by the way, feels like 18 years), the time will be doubled for us to get to 40 weeks.  DOUBLED!!  I CANNOT IMAGINE.  I am honestly not trying to be selfish and will obviously do whatever it takes to make sure Junior is healthy and will continue to follow the doctor's orders.... But I feel like I am nothing more than a shell of the person I used to be.  My muscles are oozy, my legs feel fragile, I grow more and more lethargic by the day.... I have NO energy.  Even the 3-pound arm weights are a struggle, and I was scoffing at them 6 weeks ago!!  It's frustrating having to let my body get like this and knowing how hard it will be once I am off of bed rest, and yet there is nothing I can do to change it.

We will go to our doctor's appointment on Wednesday afternoon which will include an ultrasound and another fetal fibronectrine test.  We are anxious and excited about the ultrasound and are hoping and praying that things continue to look good.  Our last ultrasound was at 19 weeks when we were told that Junior's umbilical chord only has 2 blood vessels (instead of the normal 3).  Because of this, the doctor said we would be monitoring his growth and development through ultrasounds in the 3rd trimester.  At 19 weeks, all of his little organs had formed, the heart had all 4 chambers and appeared to be functioning correctly, and things looked fine... The doctor is expecting things to continue looking great but it will be a good reassurance to know for sure.  The fetal fibronectrine test is the one I took a few weeks ago.  If it comes back positive, then I have a higher chance of delivering in the next 2 weeks.  If it comes back negative, there is a 99.9% certainty that I will NOT deliver within the next 2 weeks.

My contractions have continued to be minimal since the switch of my medication.  I asked the doctor if it was possible to grow an immunity to these meds (as I did with the last one), and he said it was possible, but by that time I'd be in a healthier gestational week so this was at least buying us more time, which is all Junior really needs.  Time.... Seems like an odd concept to me these days, as I've basically lost the ability to see time.  Each minute turns to an hour, each hour turns to yet another wasted day, days turn to weeks, and sadly, weeks have now turned to months.  Months?!?!  It has been 2 exact months to the day since this all began.... 2 months and 1 day ago, I was in the classroom and grocery shopping.  2 months ago, life as I knew it changed.  I think of all that I "should" be doing out in the real world and how I feel like I'm wasting my life away laying in this bed.  People tell me it'll all be worth it in the end and as soon as I see that little baby, I'll forget about all that I've gone through.  Honestly, I don't know that I will ever forget this time in bed and I hope that I don't.  I hope that it will make me even more greatful for the little things I'll be able to do that I never appreciated before.... Taking the dogs outside to potty, walking out to get the mail, cooking in the kitchen, doing laundry.  Those are the things I'm excited about.... And I would argue that most people reading this don't get "excited" about any of these daily mundane rituals that we have to do when we don't want to.  I just want to feel like I'm living again.

Each day, as I lay in this bed, I think of all of the people in hospitals around the world wishing the same thing as me- To get out of bed and have a normal life again.  While I know that will eventually happen for me, not everyone has that same assurance.  So while I may be sounding full of self-pity and down on life, know that I don't take for granted that I DO know I will be back on my feet again.  Know that I'm glad that I'm not sick and it's more of a mere "rest" for the sake of the baby.  I tell myself daily that my mom did this for months during her most recent battle with cancer and subsequent bone marrow transplant, so I can do it too.  I just wish I could ride a daily exercise bike like you, Mom!! :)

So today, as you stop in the grocery store on the way home from work and are frustrated with walking through the aisles.... As you grumble in the kitchen fixing dinner when you don't want to take the time.... As you vaccum and think of all the things you'd rather be doing..... Just think that there is a girl in a bed in Minnesota who would give anything to be doing what you're doing at that exact moment in time!